Of all the decades we’d happily revisit, the noughties is not one of them. Perhaps when we pass the 2020 mark, we’ll find room in our hearts once more for head scarves worn as belts or frightfully low-slung, mid wash jeans paired with black, satin kitten-heeled shoes. *Shudder*. It’s highly unlikely, but never say never. We thought that mules or plastic, stretchy chokers were a thing of the past, but boy were we wrong.
1. First off, you’re going to need a massive, chunky belt that sits on your hips, serving no purpose whatsoever. The closer it looks to something Xena Princess Warrior might wear, the better.
3. Men can do it too; see Brad Pitt.
4. When it comes to hair, you want lots of bits around your face. Turn your GHD up full blast and proceed to straighten your thin, wispy fringe within an inch of its life, almost to the point that you can no longer see.
5. And while we’re at it, what are you doing growing out your eyebrows? Pluck them away until you resemble a McDonalds sign.
6. Whatever you do, don’t ask your hairdresser for ‘natural looking highlights’. What you want is peroxide blonde ‘chunks’ on top of very dark tresses; it will enhance your Johnson & Johnson tan. And loads of layers. LOADS.
7. Why wear skinny jeans when you can wear these mid-wash bad boys? They’ll work like magic with your favourite white pointy shoes. And your favourite studded white belt, and your favourite ironic t-shirt that always starts a conversation.
8. Work it, Anne Hathaway.
9. We’re not surprised she wore these shoes so often. They just work with everything, you know?
10. Now, if you really want to wear your favourite summer dress but it’s a little nippy outside, just wear your mid-wash, wide-fit jeans underneath it, and then throw on a coat with a pattern that clashes beyond belief. Simples.
11. You need to just look in the mirror and tell yourself: ‘yeah, the pointier the shoe, the better they’ll look with these flared hipster jeans and my awesome tiny purse’. And ‘this ensemble is nothing without a hat.’
12. You just can’t have too many hats. Preferably ones that say ‘Kangol’.
13. There’s so much noughties going on here, we don’t know where to start. If you’re not sure what ’00s trend you want to rock, just wear all of them at the same time. The noughties were all about layering, and jeans that drag along the ground, inevitably ripping at the ends, soaking up rain and dirt.
14. When we weren’t wearing flat pointy-toed pumps, we were rocking some trendy boots. So gorgeous were these boots, they demanded our full attention. Wearing pants that cover them up? Are you crazy? You simply roll them up, a la JLO. And it doesn’t matter if your pants are light pink and your boots are as black as night.
15. You can even pair them with a red carpet dress.
16. Beyond your staple black boots, you’re going to need a pair of cream or white boots, otherwise known as the ultimate wardrobe staple circa 2002.
17. Also essential is a velour tracksuit, which you should free to pair with said cream boots (just shove them in; it WILL work). And a visor. And just a hint of bra.
18. Lace-up boots with a ra-ra skirt is also totally okay.
19. If there’s one fashion trend synonymous with the early noughties, it’s wearing jeans or pants that leave little to the imagination. Not only will you give those around you an eyeful, you’ll keep the bikini waxers of this world in business.
20. One of Britney’s favourite ensemble features was the baring of her hip bones.
21. The noughties was also a time for skirts with splits, skirts with random bits hanging off them, and, well, generally stunning looking skirts, we think you’ll agree.
22. Paris Hilton was a style icon. She was.
23. Together, Paris and Nicole Richie told the world that denim blazers with nothing underneath was, like, so totally hot. And if you want to go one step further? Douse your chest in body shimmer. And then layer on the iridescent lipgloss. (We’re not even going to discuss that eyeshadow).
24. White was the undisputed colour of the decade.
25. You should always wear white head to to. And if it’s a white suit, all the better.
25. And your girl band was nothing if you didn’t wear matching outfits.
26. At least stick within the same colour scheme if you want any chance at success. And you should always wear fake tan that’s at least five shades darker than you are.
27. Lastly, your boyfriend’s ties are multifunctional. Take one of his favourites and simply wrap it around your pants for an instant sexy belt update.