Pregnant? Oh lovely, here’s a handy list for you of some things that you don’t need. Be sure to take it with you when you go shopping, but you’ll only have yourself to blame if you come home with every single item on the Don’t Buy This list.
A Moses Basket. The baby may or may not take to it. If s/he does, you’ll get a maximum of one month out of it, and for all they know, they might as well be put in a nice lined drawer, same as you were Back In The Day.
An African mama sling: Slings are good, and you can get a second hand one for next to nothing. What you don’t need are any of the novelty slings; essentially variations on very long pieces of string. You will never, ever learn how to do the origami knots that will securely attach baby to you. Do you want to be the person doing the dance of the 7 veils with a screaming, half-garroted baby as you try to remove the sling in the café in Dundrum centre? No, you do not.
A Changing Bag: Any sturdy bag will do. Any old towel will serve as a changing mat. Got one anyway? I knew you weren’t going to listen. Just don’t bother your head wondering what you’re meant to put in all the little pockets. All will be revealed in 4 years time when you’ll unearth all sorts of interesting new lifeforms.
Books called things like ‘Stop My Baby Crying’: They all cry. Sorry about that. Convinced that the strategy that will make all the difference might be in a book? Go to your library. (Or come over and take away my extensive collection: you’ll see it on the shelves under ‘C’ for Crying, next to ‘D’ for Development).
Bottle warming equipment: Here’s the best tip you’ll ever have. Don’t. Warm. The. Milk. Get them used to having hot bottles and you’ll spend the next two years shaking tepid milk on your wrist. No idea why, I just copied the more competent looking parents.
Dryclean only baby clothes: You’d. Be. Surprised. That’s all I’m going to say. (And that goes for you as well as the baby).
By Jenny Coyle @missmitford