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STFU And 7 Other Things We’re Really Thinking Listening To Boring Diet Talk

We all know the Diet Bore, right? I find myself frequently seated beside them at brunch. You know this person, they’re easily identifiable because they’re always asking for no dressing or if there’s an egg white omelet available? “Just eat the damn yolks,” I scream inside my head. “They’re the best GODDAMN part.”


Don’t get me wrong I have no beef with someone feeding their body however they like, I just want them to shut up about it.

7 CRAZED Things I’m Really Thinking When You Talk About Your Diet

“The only thing more boring than being on a health kick is listening to someone else who’s on a health kick”

FACT.

“I have a REEAAAALLY strong urge to make a puppet with my hand and start going ‘BLAAA BLAAA BLAAA BLAAA’ right now.”

That’s not rude, right? She’s being rude to me by making me listen to her evangelical talk about the life-changing magic of CrossFit. Just go hang with all your CrossFit friends if you love them so much. *Rage-eats a ham and cheese croissant*

“Listening to the ‘what you do with your porridge every morning’ chat is actually not as fascinating as you appear to think it is.” 

It’s porridge, add some kind of moisture, stick a banana on top and get on with your life and let us get on with ours. Porridge is not a topic of conversation that warrants this much time and consideration.

“If it’s cool for you to give me unsolicited advice on my diet; is it cool for me to give you unsolicited advice on how to be less annoying?”

Imagine it. In the same way that people feel free to lecture me on my passion for Diet Coke, I could lecture them on their passion for shiteing on.

“I definitely preferred you when you didn’t talk about protein powder all the time.”

When did protein powder get so mainstream? Hearing everyone talk about it endlessly, is kind of giving me FOMO about protein powder which is perhaps the most Millennial thing ever uttered.

“Your Instagram is boring me to death.”

I realise that it’s pretty outrageous of me to blame you for not entertaining me on social media but hey, this is the age we live in, and frankly, I am affronted by the sheer amount of documentation of meal prep that’s on your feed. It’s sweet potato and turkey burgers for the love of God, they are not even that photogenic.

“I wonder if I could boil an egg inside a kettle if I kept pressing the button down continuously…”

THIS is how boring you are right now, debating unconventional methods of egg-cooking is all I can come up with to think about while you are talking about counting macros.

Think I’m being a narky b*tch? Or have you too noticed an annoying upswing in diet-chat? Either way, feel free to vent in the comments…

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

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