While our days are filled with ever-rising existential dread from living under an increasingly autocratic rule and demagogue and The Handmaid’s Tale is progressively becoming a little too real, we’ve prepared The IMAGE Guide To The Apocalpyse in case the worst happens. There’s no telling how much longer we’ll have the Internet for, so we suggest that you keep The IMAGE Guide To The Apocalypse close – print it, laminate it, memorise it, write it down, tattoo it on your chest.
STEP ONE: STAYING SAFE ONLINE
While we still have Internet, you should probably be protecting yourself digitally online. Change your passwords on the hour. If you’re reading The IMAGE Guide To The Apocalypse without a bit of Mark Zuckerberg tape over your camera and mic, you might as well just go sit out at your front door and wait to be arrested. Only use WhatsApp, because it has end-to-end encryption and when the Ed Snowden movie came out with Joseph Gordon-Levitt this year, we watched it and the Citizen Four documentary and then Googled Ed Snowden for 72 hours so we know all of the things about Internet safety. Ed Snowden says WhatsApp is good. Encrypt all your memories so no one can ever steal your identity. If your passwords are all names of things, like your Mam’s name, rename her something case-sensitive that has punctuation in it, is at least 8 characters long and contains an uppercase letter and a special character.
APOCALYPSE TOP TIP: Digital Safety
Put a bit of tape over the part of your brain that thinks nobody would be reading your emails anyway. Oh, and go change your password again.
STEP TWO – KEEP WOMEN SAFE
Find the most brilliant women you know. This is the most important step in The Revolution; they are the key to not only surviving the Apocalypse but stopping it. It’s early days to start thinking of The Revolution but when it does happen, they will fix this. Plus, studies have shown that female companions keep your mind sharp, can help alleviate stress, elongate your life and more.
STEP THREE – GET SOME WEAPONS
Get weapons. You’ll need to defend yourself from p**** grabbers, but you’ll also need weapons for smashing glass ceilings and dismantling the patriarchy, etc.
Also, learn some skillz in case you get picked from your district in President Trump’s 2017 Hunger Games, which early reports are saying will be required viewing for the whole universe and will be streamed live on Fox News.
STEP FOUR – GET PURGING
It’s time to hit the shops and get looting.
Load up on the essentials: antibiotics, stainless steel water bottles, safety equipment, water, dried food, a water purifier, plastic sheeting, a radio, first aid kit, map, compass, flashlight, Book Of Edible Plant Life, a tent, flint and steel, binoculars, a signal device, chocolate, copies of IMAGE magazine, etc.
APOCALYPSE TOP TIP: The IMAGE Guide To The Apocalypse also works as The IMAGE Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse.
STEP FIVE: FIND PROTECTIVE GEAR
We tried to have this section guest edited by IMAGE Fashion Director Marie Kelly, but she was too busy using the items and skills picked up from Step Three to commit Step Four on the wardrobe of Victoria Beckham.
You will need sturdy, waterproof boots for sure, and a backpack. They are certain to be the biggest fashion trends until the Day of Reckoning.
Early reports suggest that someone is protecting Stella McCartney and she’ll collaborate with Adidas for an Apocalypse Capsule Collection – the biggest fashion movement of the future – but with the collapse of currency, and the beginnings of a barter economy, it is uncertain in these early days of the Apocalypse which resources the collection can be exchanged for. News outlets are currently suggesting it could be medicine, petrol, seeds, water purification tablets, avocados, matcha or coconut water.
APOCALYPSE TOP TIP: Trusting Men
If you show them this Guide To The Apocalypse and they start mouthing off about #NotAllMen – run away.
In the words of Una Mullally in the Irish Times – “Men who deny a culture of misogyny frequently amplify their own voices on the matter instead of listening to those who actually experience it, without realising that that very action is actually part of the culture they are seeking to deny.”
Another way to check a man for misogyny – check out his reaction to the word misogyny. If he starts to drone on or not listen to what you have to say, use your new items gathered from Step Three on him.
STEP SIX: FIND WATER
Without water you can only survive three to five days, so wherever you set up base on your journey towards the New World, make sure you have a source of water, and some water purification tablets.
APOCALYPSE TOP TIP: Hydration
The colour of your pee indicates how hydrated you are. Obviously, the clearer, the better. Oh you’re grossed out by thinking about the colour of pee? Get over it. You’ll be peeing outside soon. Don’t you understand that the world has gone tits up?
STEP SEVEN: DO NOT LOSE HOPE
Stay hopeful. We still have Kanye 2020.
STEP EIGHT: AGAIN
Quick, go change your password once more.
STEP NINE: DISREGARD ALL OF THESE TIPS
None of this is true, this was ghost-written under my name by hackers who sold my identity on the Dark Web. Nothing is feminist, feminism does not exist, we are all in our rightful places, Blessed Be The Fruit. I don’t even know what end-to-end encryption really is. I’ll write anything you want. Under His Eye.
Please stayed tuned for more updates on The IMAGE Guide To The Apocalypse while I spend another 72 hours Googling quotes from Elon Musk on how impending the Artificial Intelligence Apocalypse is. If you have any problems with The IMAGE Guide To The Apocalypse, please contact the author. There may be a delay in her response while she is trying to find Drake and all the cheese and husky puppies in the world to keep them safe.