Brides, brides, brides – it’s like they’re on a hiatus from reality, isn’t it?
Spending a year or more planning an event entirely dedicated to you (and apparently there’s some life partner involved too) is just the kind of prolonged gaslighting that results in losing all sight of reality and will make you an unbearable person to be around. It’s kind of unavoidable it seems, I’ve never really witnessed any woman manage to keep the head in the run up to her nuptials – and before any brides lash out at me in a rage, I am fully including myself in this thing.
We have to indulge the brides though, because at some stage when they emerge from the Bride Vortex they’ll come to their senses and will have to indulge us during our year of Pinterest and Prosecco.
So here’re 10 truth-bombs your engaged friend needs to hear right freakin’ NOW
The world does not revolve around THE WEDDING
At the start of the engagement, you might hear the bride refer to ‘our’ wedding. As the weeks and months pass however the ‘our’ slowly morphs into ‘my’ wedding until finally her wedding is known quite simply as THE WEDDING. The only wedding that has ever taken place in the history of humankind.
You cannot complain of being ‘stressed’ because of your forthcoming wedding
Seriously, check your privilege b*tch. You are planning a party with the kind of budget most people put down on a house. You are not stressed.
You need to cut the crap about the bridesmaids’ dress
Trying to sell me this Grecian coral nightmare as something that’ll suit everyone (everyone who is a perfect size 8, with the arms of Jennifer Anniston and has never eaten a spice box that is) and can be worn again to any occasion where I might decide to come dressed as a substitute bridesmaid is not going to work. Just stop pretending that you are trying to do anything other than make sure we look good but not too good. It’s fine – I totally did the same thing to you five years ago – just be upfront about it.
You are being a complete Bridezilla; you think you’re not but you are
“I promise I will NOT be turning into some awful Bridezilla,” says every soon-to-be Bridezilla ever. I accept it, it’s not your fault it’s a result of the cultural brainwashing that takes place around weddings. You spend 12 months planning a black tie event in your honour with people constantly telling you to “remember this is YOUR day”. Which leads me neatly on to my next point…
It is not YOUR day
It is a day for you to make it up to us, your friends, for tolerating your bridezilla ways for the last year. Just don’t be stingy with the free bar.
Prosecco is the goddamn WORST
End of. Prosecco should be renamed Pissecco. I might have liked Prosecco at some stage in my late 20s but then about 18 close friends tied the knot and the taste is forevermore wedded to boring speeches and that dreaded long gap between canapes and the dinner during which we must fend off Handsy Uncle and tolerate every second person stating “You’re next” in a mildly threatening tone.
Coming over to DIY wedding favours is NOT our idea of a fun Friday night
No matter how many G&Ts accompany the ‘craft evening’ we do not want to tie any more hessian twine around mason jars filled with sand from the beach where Dave proposed to you just because it looked cool on Pinterest.
There is no need to pimp us off to groomsmen
Dave’s friend Johnny was not acceptable to us prior to this pissecco-fuelled tulle fiasco (wedding) and there is no need to start trying to sell us Johnny now just because you are bored with planning your own wedding and want to start on someone else’s.
The ENDLESS agonising about a veil is not the engrossing topic you seem to think it is
To veil or not to veil is the much-debated question. The answer is simple: Always veil.
Don’t make a wedding hashtag for Instagram
Just don’t, it’s lame.