The Non-Bride Chronicles: Clich’d Garnishes

Serial wedding guests spout bile on the more contentious aspects of other people’s nuptials.

We reckon that for the few short months you get to be a bride-to-be, you should bloody well bathe in blooms. However, in the midst of living your bridey life, it can be worthwhile to think about things from another point of view: namely that of your wedding guests-to-be. How will they feel about the table plan you created based solely on who’ll look best together in photos? Or the hand-dyed table linen, which everyone better Instagram using your official wedding hashtag? And sure if you can’t laugh at yourself?

Illustrations by Chelsea Bonus

I’ve nothing against brides. Some of my best friends are brides/ have been brides/are determined to be brides. But as a woman who will never marry, due to commitment issues that make even finishing an omelette difficult, I am in the very interesting position of pure matrimonial voyeur.

My personal belief is that when God was stuffing his conveyor belt of women with the bridal ?gene?, I was lost under a sea of lady limbs, forgotten about entirely ?til the wise men were boxing us up and noticed a slight deadness behind my eyes. They couldn’t send me back to the love station, so stitched in some frankincense and an extra kidney to make up for it (I jest, I’m totally capable of love; ask my stuffed Russell Terrier thingy).

As a result, I have the pleasure of attending loadsa? legal love-ups without ever having to consider whether this would be how I and Craig/Lucas/Mariah (at this point, I won’t even commit to a gender; though the sensual swirls that Lynx Africa stirs inside me would point to poor Craig) would do it. My point is this: as someone who spends absolutely no daydreamy time planning my own wedding, I’m totally free to enjoy yours, without any pre-conceived judgments.

I’ve witnessed plenty of doe-eyed duos exchange rings, vows and saliva, and it’s always gorgeous and sometimes I’ll even cry little Prosecco tears of joy. Every ceremony feels unique and special and there’s love bombs going off all over the shop. But once we leave the church/field/cliffside, it seems to me that every reception now looks a little samey. Like Pinterest has become the Ikea of weddings; not in price – God knows, couples are still forced to turn tricks to afford it all, but it’s like our entire generation woke up one morning in a Dystopian world where George Orwell handed them a Dinner this way and a Dancing that way sign and said ?RIGHT! There is now a uniform way to do this and it must always include jam jars filled with tea lights?.

Okay I know, the 1984 comparison is a tad full-on and I realise that all these Pinterest-inspired touches form a nice trend, but why spend months bleeding all over your home-made bunting, when every other Tom, Dick and Harry is busy doing the exact same thing!? Like, if you’re going to spend all that green on giant Jenga and other clich’d garnishes, why not blaze your own d?cor trail instead of following in the footsteps of others? But where to start? I dunno, maybe have a look on Pinterest?

By Joanne McNally

*This article originally appeared in IMAGE Brides Summer/Autumn 2015

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