‘Irish Wish’ is demented trash. And I love every second of it.’

Saint Anthony has been a stalwart for me over the years. Lost my keys? Pray to Anthony. Lost my phone? Pray to Anthony. Lost my sanity? Well, pray to Anthony and offer up my soul while I’m at it.

However, according to Lindsay Lohan’s new Netflix film, the Irish are total and utter fools. In reality, we should have been praying to Saint Brigid, who is not only one of Ireland’s patron saints, but is also a witch/fairy who loiters around Lough Tay wearing a headscarf. Instead of being a fierce protector of women, in Irish Wish, Saint Brigid grants wishes, and according to a local priest, doesn’t give people what they want, but what they need.

I too know a woman like this, except her name is Gypsy Kathleen and she parks a van in the square in Listowel, Co. Kerry during the horse racing festival in September. She also charges €75 per psychic session.

There’s been much furore and angered opinions handed out since Irish Wish premiered last Friday. Our people are disgusted. Michael Collins is turning in his grave. Dáil Éireann is in turmoil. Even Americans are aghast, with New York Magazine describing it as a “crypto-fascist, AI-generated harbinger of doom.”

In truth, I enjoyed it. For a lazy weekend watch, it’s great viewing. Although to appreciate it fully, you must take it at face value. This is not the next great Irish film. One scan of the trailer and you quickly realise this is not The Banshees of Inisherin. This is not John B Keane holding up a mirror to Irish society and forcing us to take a long, hard look at ourselves.

No, this is utter trash. It’s rubbish of the highest, most noxious order.

And we should adore every second of it.

You see, Irish Wish is a masterclass in God-awful storytelling. It teaches us what we should never do when writing a film. Instead of one or two solid story threads that ground it, the film meanders in multiple disjointed directions. In my mind, whoever wrote this motion picture was locked in a room, told to ingest some magic mushrooms, wrap themselves in an Irish flag and wait and see what happens. The end result is a mishmash of tales. A story with no story. A movie with so many narrow-minded themes, it ends up taking the mickey out of itself.

Irish Wish is a myriad of films in one take, and each version is as batsh*t as the other. So, for those who don’t want to sit through 94 minutes of Lindsay Lohan’s unhealthy obsession with the Cliffs of Moher, I have broken down what the film is actually about.

It’s a film about English people

There are far too many British accents in this film for it to plausibly be about Ireland. Maddie’s best friend, Emma, is clearly English, but claims to have grown up in the United States. Meanwhile, her main love interest, James, is a very British nature photographer who is a regular visitor to the island. Even her soon-to-be mother-in-law has a distinctive Anglo-Saxon twang. It’s all very suss, which brings me swiftly to my next two points.

It’s a film about Brexit

This film is obviously a feeble attempt by both the British and American governments to improve Irish/English relations post-Brexit without any input from Ireland at all. This is the only credible explanation for why this film was made. Emma? She’s an undercover British spy. James? He’s travelling to Ireland so much because he wants to get his hands on an Irish passport. He’s obviously sick and tired of queuing in the non-EU passport lines on his nature photography expeditions. His hope is to find an Irish woman who tickles his fancy but instead, he falls in love with Maddie, an American. He’ll get a Green Card out of the tryst, but he’ll end up cursing his new wife each time they have to line up for two hours going to the Costa Del Sol.

It’s a film about landlords

In the dream world that Saint Brigid gifts to Maddie, she is marrying author Paul Kennedy. This Paul Kennedy fellow wears trilby hats and drapes his jumper like a shawl around his shoulders. His family lives in a castle on a sprawling estate in Mayo. His mother forces Maddie to wear a dreadful wedding dress that has been worn by the female generations before her. They have a butler for God’s sake.

There is only one justification for this story development; the Kennedys are obviously British landlords.

It’s a film about the Celtic Tiger

In the land of Irish Wish, the boom is back baby! The banks are flush with money, and everyone is a property developer. People arrive at weddings in Lamborghinis and drive Range Rovers down narrow country roads. For some, this will cause severe PTSD, for others it will act as a lament about the good days.

It’s a film about Irish superstitions

By nature, we are superstitious and irrational people. From banshees to putting new shoes on tables, our list of mythical fears is endless. Irish Wish successfully taps into this narrative. However, instead of ghouls and fairies, the fear in this film is the character Paul Kennedy.

No character in Irish Wish can move around the world without saying his full name. Not one of them simply calls him “Paul”.

So, like saying “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror will force you to see a woman dripping with blood in the reflection, if you don’t say Paul Kennedy’s full name, you will obviously die.

It’s a film about the Cliffs of Moher

Yes, it’s one of this country’s most stunning features, but the Cliffs of Moher obsession in this film is lawless. Maddie mentions her enduring love for the cliffs often, even peculiarly comparing her visit to a James Joyce novel. In another life, I truly believe Maddie would be one of those strange individuals who gets engaged to the Eiffel Tower, except her betrothed would be the cliffs. Saint Brigid would officiate the ceremony, obviously.

Maddie’s adoration is so intense that at the end of the film, *spoiler alert* she decides to decamp from her role as a novel editor and instead stay in Ireland and “write a book on the Cliffs of Moher”.

This is simply hilarious because earlier in the movie, she mentions to James that she was once a freelance writer but the role “didn’t pay the bills”.

Sorry to burst your bubble Maddie girl, but this book won’t either, especially in this country’s economy.

I promise you, no one will buy it.

Irish Wish is a conspiracy theory

On second thought, I’m convinced that Irish Wish is a conspiracy theory. There’s more to this than a simple Hallmark-style cheese fest.

Is it the Illuminati at work? Are we being brainwashed by the satellites in the sky? We may never know.

So, watch Irish Wish at your peril, but as I said, love every single demented minute of it.

Imagery courtesy of Netflix © 2024