Bebe Rexha, fat-shaming and the ethics of sharing private text messages without consent

Earlier this week, singer Bebe Rexha shared a screenshot of a lengthy text message she received from her boyfriend, cinematographer Keyan Safyari. 

The message reads: 

“Hey. I never said you weren’t beautiful and I never said I didn’t love you. In fact I said how beautiful you are and how much I loved you. But I always said I would be honest with you and your face was changing so I told you it was. That was the conversation we were having and you asked. Because I care, would you rather I lied to you? 

“You gained 35 pounds obviously you gained weight and your face changes? Should I just pretend it didn’t happen and that it’s ok? Come on I gain 3 pounds and you call me chubbs and fat. Doesn’t mean you don’t love me. If you’re trying to find reasons to break up this makes sense… but it’s not the real reason. 

“If you’re unhappy with me/yourself/with life and don’t see a future with us then that’s ok and that’s the reason. Don’t use something like that to weaponise your anger or anxiety or any insecurity you may have. 

“You know I always found you to be beautiful and loved you no matter what. I think it’s important for you to think about things and write things down, speak to a therapist and do this retreat thing to get to the root of the problem. Let me know if you’d like to speak if you need more clarity. Love you.”

For many, Bebe Rexha is one of the trailblazers of the body positivity movement – she regularly posts videos of herself embracing her curves and is always vocal when it comes to calling out people for nasty comments about the way she looks… But, that’s not to say that she hasn’t had her own struggles. 

“I probably should [have] photoshopped my stomach and made it look flat. I probably should [have] photoshopped my legs to make them look thinner. I probably should [have] made myself look taller and smoothed my legs. But I didn’t. Society can really f*ck with you. Here is what a real woman looks like on Instagram without photoshop,” she captioned a photo of herself in a bikini. 

In 2021, she partnered with the lingerie brand Adore Me for a three-part capsule collection celebrating all body types. “As a woman who wasn’t the cookie-cutter pop-star, I hope to inspire women to love their bodies and feel beautiful at any size,” she said of the collab at the time.

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A couple of months later, Rexha shared a TikTok admitting that she felt “disgusting” in her own body. “I think all the body positivity that stems from me is probably a place of hurt and confusion of like … I don’t know how to help myself anymore or how to love myself,” she confessed.

The text messages, allegedly from Safyari, come not long after the Grammy nominee opened up about her diagnosis with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). “I literally jumped 30 pounds so quickly, maybe a little bit more. But we gotta just be positive and just show people love,” Rexha said during an appearance on The Jennifer Hudson Show.

“I was a lot thinner and I did gain some weight — that comes with the territory,” she continued. “I’m not mad about [people commenting on my weight] because it is true, but when you see things like that, it does mess with you.”

“You don’t know what somebody’s going through, what they’re going through in their life, so it kind of is tough. But I feel like we’re in 2023… we should not be talking about people’s weight.” 

It’s important to note that Rexha has previously spoken out about how “supportive” Safyari is. “He’s so sweet, when he sees that I’m down, he’ll try to take me out to dinner or on a date, even though I really don’t like leaving the house, to be quite honest, because I don’t want to get ready. He’s always trying to uplift me,” she told People in April this year. 

“He’s always trying to come to my shows, and he works as a DP and a director, so anytime I need advice when I’m shooting a music video, he’s always around. He’s always giving me his input, and I really love him for that.” 

If the messages are to be believed, Rexha asked his opinion – which he gave. He also claims that she called him “chubbs” when he gained weight. 

The situation has also sparked an interesting conversation regarding the ethics of sharing private messages online without consent. Though not illegal to do so (at least in the majority of cases), many consider it to be a breach of trust… which I guess, it kind of is. 

One need only look through your WhatsApp group chats to know, sharing screenshots is not uncommon. My own text threads are often littered with snippets of other conversations I’m not privy to – be they dating app chat-up lines, snarky messages from housemates or drunk texts from an ex. We’re all guilty of it. We probably all follow the Beam Me Up Softboi Instagram account too. 

Sharing those messages online, on a public forum, muddies the water even more. “It’s gross to post your ex’s private texts unless you have a really solid reason to do so, and this holds true even if your ex was a thin-skinned manipulative weasel,” New Yorker journalist Emily Nussbaum tweeted in relation to the current discourse on Jonah Hill. “That used to be a given, but it clearly isn’t anymore.”

Posting something online, stripped of context, and with the sole intention of hurting or making fun of someone obviously isn’t nice. But what if the contents of those messages speak to a more pertinent issue? Say, controlling relationship behaviour as was the case in the Jonah Hill x Sarah Brady messages, for example? 

The answer as to what the ‘right’ etiquette is, is complicated… 

Photography by @beberexha.