The friend zone: How to navigate finding friends as an adult

Thankfully, there are groups dotted around Ireland dedicated to taking the awkwardness out of making new friends, by fostering connection and forging friendships with likeminded people. Crafting, hiking, reading, swimming – the avenues through which you can procure a friend seem to be endless, but are they fruitful?

“We started Stitch and Bitch because we wanted to make some more connections around the city and commit some time to doing our artsy bits,” Emma Harrington says of the origins of this Galway-based weekly crafting group, which she co-founded with Izzy McMahon. “Izzy was talking about moving away and I realised that I wouldn’t have all that many people left once she was gone, so I knew I had to do something.”

Inviting people to bring along whatever they’ve been working on, whether that be knitting or crochet, sewing or embroidery, the group come from all walks of life for two hours every Monday in The Blue Note bar.

“I sit next to a new person each week, and I spend that time entirely engaged in their life and I know that it takes courage to put yourself out there all on your own, but we’re all there for the same reason, and that’s to make a connection.”

Emma’s advice? If you can’t find a group in your area: start your own. “It’s important to remind yourself that two people are still a group. Have a space and environment that you feel comfortable in, and that can accommodate two or twenty people, depending on who shows up. There should be no pressure to talk to everyone or leave with loads of new friends. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, because opening up with people and sharing that part of yourself only brings people closer.”

These sentiments are echoed by Mel McDermott of Galz Gone Wild, a group dedicated to connecting women through hiking. “When you do hard things with someone else, a bond is created for life,” she tells me. “When you’re walking side by side with these women, it’s like therapy. You get to be open, and there are no boundaries.”

There’s a little saying that sums up Galz Gone Wild pretty perfectly: “if you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together”, and that’s a creed the group lives by. They go at the pace of their slowest member, and while the demographic ranges from about 18 to 60, superfluous details like age and occupation never come into it.

“It’s not about getting from point A to point B as quickly as possible, it’s about the journey and the people you’re with on the way,” Mel says. “We do an opening circle before every hike that’s a safe space where people can open up. People come to the group with a broken heart, feelings of loneliness, and so many personal things, it’s nice to be able to share, leave it there, and feel lighter once they’re set off on the hike.”

But how do you translate a weekly or monthly group meeting into a friendship that can stand on its own two feet? “You start off with the hikes, you go for coffee, a trip to a sauna, and then you’re celebrating birthdays together. You have to make that conscious effort and commitment to coming consistently, joining WhatsApp groups and following through on solidifying those connections. That’s how those firmer friendships are really spawned.”

If it’s concrete evidence you need, one particular member – Sinead – has been part of the group since its very inception seven years ago, and found her best friend through the mutual turmoil of Kilimanjaro: “When you’re in a tent together, sitting bum to bum, with altitude sickness and struggling, you become very close friends very quickly.”

The common denominator across all these groups is that you’ve got to be willing to put yourself out there, a prospect that’s grown increasingly intimidating following years of isolation, keeping your distance, and living more online. But the more you flex that social muscle, the stronger it becomes.

As was the case for Emma Nestor, a self-employed creative who moved to a new city after the pandemic. Having struggled with her mental health, stepping out into the world became a daunting task, one which was associated with nerves, anxiety and panic. “I moved around a lot throughout my life, I was always the new person and building connections didn’t come naturally to me. Then I decided to dedicate my energy to finding people who add value to my life and who I can hopefully do the same for.”

Since moving, Emma found friendships almost accidentally at CrossFit classes and through striking up conversations in coffee shops. “My best friend now is ten years older than me with two children. We’re at completely different stages of life, but that never comes into it,” she says. “She was my nail technician at first, but we just clicked.”

They say the grass is greener where you water it, and that couldn’t be more true for Emma. “I decided to pour as much energy and love into the people around me as I could in the hopes that it will come back to me, and it actually has. Don’t let that little voice of doubt in your head – your inner saboteur – tell you that people won’t like you.”

There’s even psychological terminology to back this up: “The Liking Gap” refers to the disparity between how much you believe someone likes you, and their actual opinion. Studies have found that most people underestimate how much other people like them. There’s also the “Risk Regulation Theory”, which posits that we decide how much to invest in a relationship based on how likely we think we are to get rejected. Essentially, just shoot your shot.

But because there’s no set script like there is in the dating world, it can be difficult to pluck up the courage to ask that would-be pal for a coffee. Being rejected in that way sounds terrifying, but it can be the best move you’ll ever make, as was the case for Ainé McAuley and Eimear Tangney of Salty Sea Sisters.

The pair met through a mountain biking forum that they resorted to when they just couldn’t find another woman to go on these adventures with. Widening their network and spreading the world bit by bit, then all at once with their Tribe Finder website, this sea swimming group grew legs fast. Creating a laid-back culture with introductory icebreakers and conversation points, it’s all about community and connection, and, encouraged by the success of her own club, Ainé joined two more entirely solo: Lit(erature) to the Tit and Skate Social Belfast.

“It does take courage to go, but these groups are there to create connections and help us make friends. If you’re nervous, just remember that the people there are probably feeling the same. They might be shy or introverted, but once the ice has been broken and you start to feel a potential friendship beginning to form, take that leap and put yourself out there.”

For Ainé, these groups are fantastic because they build the foundation – you’ve got something in common, some fodder for chit chat – and once pleasantries are out of the way and the seed has been planted, something special can grow from there. But you’ve got to tend to it.

So, perhaps the time has come for you to extricate yourself from your comfort zone. Whether it’s joining a local sports club, setting up a group all on your own, or making the first move to stop, chat and stay a while, the consensus is clear: People are craving connection.