Stop talking about the definition of toxic masculinity – and start tackling the problem

On Sunday, November 19, the world will mark International Men’s Day, and a few years ago, I was asked to speak on a panel about International Men’s Day’s relevance and the conversations it can yield.

One of the topics that I was specifically asked about was toxic masculinity and the damage it can inflict – and, as usual, there was some immediate backlash along the lines of “reverse sexism”, “man-hater”, “feminazi”, etc. Which is really annoying, because I’ve already written that my preferred title is ‘Feminist Killjoy’, thanks very much.

But let’s get this clear once and for all, so we can stop talking about the definition of toxic masculinity – and start actually tackling the problem.

Toxic masculinity demands men reject themselves

Toxic masculinity also hinders men’s abilities to be intimate, and to be understood.

Does all of this sound utterly exhausting and limiting and unhealthy? Of course it does. Having your entire sense of self-worth based on external, competitive measures such as status and dominance couldn’t be anything but.

Not only are these ideas oppressive, but they are also inherently competitive – which means that failure, and the shame of failure, is inherently built into toxic masculinity.  Setting up standards of masculinity based on power and dominance ensures that some men and boys will feel like they are failing at “being a real man” compared to other men. And that opens up the possibility that these boys and men will try prove themselves by acting in an aggressive, dominant way over the women in their lives.

But toxic masculinity is also unhealthy because it encourages men to reject essential parts of themselves – vulnerability, emotion, empathy, compassion, open communication. No-one, of any gender, can truly connect to other people without these traits; which means that toxic masculinity also hinders men’s abilities to be intimate, and to be understood.

In The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity and Love, Black feminist scholar bell hooks writes that “the first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”

It’s easy to see how this plays out in real life. When we insult men or call them weak for expressing emotion, for crying, for showing vulnerability – for showing their humanity – we are enforcing toxic masculinity. And this psychic mutilation is having real effects of men’s physical and emotional well-being.

The health impacts of toxic masculinity 

So with another International Men’s Day coming, it’s time to decide. Do we care about protecting men – or do we care about protecting harmful and oppressive ideas of what men “should” be?

On International Men’s Day, shocking figures and stories were shared addressing the social and emotional crises facing men today. In Ireland, 80% of suicides are men. The numbers of men reporting domestic violence and psychological abuse doubled in 2017 compared to 2016. Of the boys and men who suffer sexual violence, over 96% of them will never report it. Men are the majority victims of violent crime – and violent crime is most commonly committed by men.

Literally all of these problems could be markedly improved if men were discouraged from resorting to violence and aggression, and were encouraged to express their emotions, to admit vulnerability or pain, and to seek support for abuse or mental health problems without the fear of being perceived as weak.

Even less obvious health factors such as stress and physical health can be affected by toxic masculinity, as men are discouraged from taking care of themselves or seeking out medical or psychological help in times of need.