What happens when you stop running from grief

When I think back on that period, I feel an inordinate amount of gratitude that I was kept safe throughout. I certainly took some stupid risks, did some things I deeply regret, said some things I’d never want to repeat and yet no physical harm came to me in that entire time. I was incredibly fortunate. I think about that a lot now. I was vulnerable, lonely and so out of it that there is little doubt that someone upstairs was looking out for me. It’s the only thing that explains it.

When you’re plunged into pain or grief, the automatic response is to resist it and do everything you can to avoid it. The first year after losing both my fiancé and my dad was so hard but I believed I was pretty good at sitting with my sadness. While that may indeed have been the case, I can see now that I didn’t progress from there. I got stuck. I was aware of a sense of frustration in some of my friends about my inability to move forward. While their reactions were entirely understandable, it meant that I quickly learned how to play the game. I learned how, when I was in the company of others, to be someone I wasn’t.

A deep fear of abandonment took over. I’d lost so many people close to me for reasons well beyond my control that I sure as hell wasn’t going to do anything that would intentionally push those remaining away. I invested so much of my time and energy trying to please others without ever figuring out who I was now underneath the pain. I let my own needs fade away and became obsessed with doing everything I could to attract and keep more people in my life. I put on the performance of my life and resorted to being the fun party girl. Everyone liked a party girl, didn’t they? Oddly enough, at the time, it didn’t feel like a performance. It felt like the sensible thing to do.

My mission then was to do everything within my power and capabilities to avoid ever being left behind again; no matter what that required on my part. Partying when I didn’t want to, being sociable when I craved silence, finding myself at events that I didn’t enjoy and being the last to leave everywhere, for fear of disappointing anyone, simply became my natural state of being.

The irony was that from this fear of being abandoned came the greatest abandonment of all – the abandonment of myself. I was so afraid of what others thought of me that I had no clue what I thought of me. I was scared that if they saw inside my head that they would be disappointed and disengage. I did everything that I could to hide who I really was, in the misguided hope that if I could be what they needed me to be it would make me happy. Yet the more I tried, the more miserable I became and the further away from connecting to exactly what it was I needed to make me happy.

So, what saved me? What in the end stopped me from doing this to myself? Well, in truth, I got tired of running. I simply ran out of steam. I started to wonder how would my life be different if I stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t. I continued to write every day but I chose to write from the perspective of someone who was happy with her life and I observed very closely what was coming up in those words. This daily ritual became very powerful for me. Every morning, I took myself (and my dog) out into nature and learned so much more about myself there among the trees than I ever did at any late-night party.

I removed myself from those places and activities that made me feel less about myself. I spent more time with those I cared about on a one-to-one basis and I began to share more with them. I allowed myself to show a vulnerability that they hadn’t been exposed to before. While this, for me, was the hardest piece, it’s worth noting that I don’t think many others even noticed. Perhaps it was relief on their part that I was finally facing what I was living through. That’s the thing about all of this; we think other people are taking on board our every word, thought and action. They are not. When we accept that all of us humans are essentially selfish and that we each see the world in terms of how it impacts us and our lives, we become less focused on doing things to please others. We start to prioritise our own needs and desires. Nobody cared about what I was doing as much as I did and that actually turned out to be the real game changer. When I accepted that, everything changed.

My life now is unrecognisable. This last decade has seen me embrace so many changes. I’ve moved homes, got married, become a (slightly obsessed) dog owner, released those friendships that had run their course, immersed myself fully in nature and allowed myself to create a career around writing and overall, I’m all the happier for it. I am of course an ongoing work in progress but I honestly feel so much pride and love for this woman I am becoming. And guess what, I’m no longer afraid of people abandoning me. I’ve fully accepted that I’ve no control over how other people feel about me, but I do have full control over how I show up in this life. So, when you next see the phrase be kind, I want you to also think of it in terms of how can you start being kinder to yourself and watch what happens when you do.

Niamh Ennis is Ireland’s leading Change & Transformation Coach and author of Get Unstuck who through her private practice, writings, programmes, workshops and podcast has inspired, activated and helped thousands of people to make significant changes in their lives. She is an accredited Personal, Leadership & Executive Coach and the Lead Coach in the IMAGE Business Club. Niamh is currently accepting applications for The RESET for Change her 3 Month Bespoke 1-1 Coaching Programme.  Follow her on Instagram at @1niamhennis.

Photography by Josh Gordon.

This article was originally published in April 2023.