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“Single mothers in their 40s shouldn’t be dating,” said Candace Bushnell, the creator of the iconic Sex and The City series. Her message is essentially that women should not date until their children are grown-up.
Whilst I agree that children should always be the priory, this recommendation, from a woman who has never had children, seems rather at odds with the show’s portrayal that women can have it all. SATC was one of the pioneers in championing mature women to lead empowered, emancipated and fun lives. And it gave women a range of role models who are able to juggle holding down a successful career and raising children, whilst dating and having sex too.
Nonetheless, we still live in an ageist culture that equates sex with youth.
There is still a taboo about older sex, and it is rarely discussed. But it doesn’t have to be that way. 43% of Americans over 50 reported that their sex life is ‘just as or more adventurous’ than it was when they were younger.
True, our bodies and our lives do change as we age numerically, but women are looking and feeling better than their mother’s generation. And age really is just a number.
I am no longer embarrassed and anxious about the amount of time I need to reach orgasm; I relax and take my time, and I allow myself to enjoy getting there.
Like the four protagonists in SATC, in my experience, sex and dating is far more interesting and joyful now that I am no longer 20. And far from wanting me to be stuck at home, my grown-up daughters have encouraged me to go out and live to the fullest. When I first started dating after a long, monogamous marriage, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. I no longer defined myself as a wife and mother; I was, once again, a woman in my own right.
Sex is way better. I am much more self-confident, and I know my body better. I am not inhibited to show and tell, and I am more honest and assertive about my sexual needs. I am no longer embarrassed and anxious about the amount of time I need to reach orgasm; I relax and take my time, and I allow myself to enjoy getting there… I have let go of my inhibitions, and I am willing to push boundaries and experiment. At 40, I reckoned it was definitely a case of now or never.
Dating a second time around was very different to when I was 20, and it took a while for me to adjust. Though 40 is definitely the new 30, it was daunting to be older. My days as a fresh-faced ingénue had expired, and my body was not what it was before having two children. When men would chat me up when I was out with my girls, I sometimes wondered if they were after me or one of my daughters. If that wasn’t bad enough, the dating pool had massively shrunk.
When I was in my 20s, every man I met was single. Now, in my 40s, the men I met were either married but deeply unhappy, semi-detached and frightened of fully cutting loose, or scarred by divorce and obsessed with the money they had lost to their ex-wives, or else straight-up unreconstructed womanisers who only dabbled with twenty-year-old playmates, à la Leonardo DiCaprio.
My libido sprung back to life. Where married sex often settles into a comfortable routine, sex now was adventurous and urgent.
Dating apps offer the promise of no longer being limited to meeting men in your immediate social circle. However, whilst the odds are good, the goods are odd. Tinder makes looking for a mate easy, but it’s so much more competitive. If it doesn’t work with one, simply swipe right and in seconds, another beautiful nubile woman can be yours. And the transactional nature of swiping is not exactly conducive to valuing a match, let alone a serious relationship.
As I started to heal from the pain of divorce, I had to come to terms with the fact that there will always be younger, hotter women out there. Rather than focus my energy on that, I decided to focus on all the many things that I could control. I prioritised rebuilding my self-confidence and I devoted my energy to therapy, the gym and to quality time with my children and my friends.
I rewired my brain to be as positive as possible. I made a list of what I wanted from my life, and from a new partner in my second act. Most importantly, and hard as it was, I made a list of what I had to offer a new partner. I decided that the only way to make a success of dating was to stay as sunny and radiant as possible. I wanted to present my best self to the world.
Rather than moan about how hard it was to find a good man, I focused on self-care and self-love. I started going to the gym every day. My body was not flawless, but it had served me well and I learnt to take better care of it. Not only were the results on my physique soon visible, but I took a renewed pride in my appearance, and I felt so much more alive. I also learned how to project feminine, radiant energy, as opposed to the desperate energy one often feels from single women.
My libido sprung back to life. Where married sex often settles into a comfortable routine, sex now was adventurous and urgent. Having sex with new partners, rather than the man I had sex with for 20 years, revved up my desire. As I grew happier in myself and in my skin, I was able to explore my sensuality as well as my sexuality.
I experimented with both tantric sex, to build a closer intimacy as well as quickie sex. I enjoyed the variety of sexual encounters and mixing it up. Men appreciated my new-found self-confidence, both in and out of the bedroom.
Now that my children had grown up, I found I had more time to do the things I love, such as going to art galleries and the theatre. That was also a great way of meeting men with similar interests. At 40, I knew a lot more about life than my naïve, younger self, and my experiences allowed me to trust my gut instincts about the men I met.
Sex is ageless.
I had developed better judgement. I wasted less time in situations that were not serving me. I learnt how to say no to what I didn’t want, but also shout a resounding yes to all that was great and wonderful. Sure, I took a few knocks, but I knew I could get up again, dust myself off, and survive, even thrive. Success breeds success and my self-assurance grew.
Rather than be cloistered at home and not dating in our 40s, let us embrace the message from SATC about female empowerment. Charlotte, the only divorcee on the show, found her Prince Charming the second time around (and had great sex along the way) because she was willing to get out there, kiss a lot of frogs, and learn from her past mistakes.
It does take mental and physical effort to maintain sexual vibrancy through the sexual seasons of womanhood. But to keep looking and feeling young, remember that good sex is ageless.
You can read all about my dating adventures in my racy novel, ‘Naked in Mayfair’, on sale now.
This article was originally published in January 2024.