How to deal with addressing unacceptable behaviour

We’ve all been there—someone crosses a line, their behaviour leaves us feeling hurt, frustrated, uncomfortable, or disrespected. Whether it’s in a personal relationship or a professional setting, addressing unacceptable behaviour can feel incredibly daunting. But learning to communicate with clarity and confidence in these situations is essential to maintaining boundaries and fostering healthy relationships. Here are some suggestions on how you can do it more effectively.

Recognise the impact of the behaviour

Before addressing someone’s behaviour, take a moment to assess how it impacts you. Are you feeling disrespected, dismissed, or uncomfortable? What specific actions or words triggered your reaction? Understanding how the behaviour affects you personally or professionally is key to approaching the conversation with clarity. You can’t solve or address something you don’t understand. For example, maybe someone has repeatedly interrupted you during meetings, making you feel unheard and undervalued.

Address the behaviour, not the person

One of the most important principles when confronting someone is to focus on the behaviour, not their character. This allows the other person to reflect on their actions without feeling personally attacked. It’s not about labelling them as “bad” or “wrong,” but pointing out how their actions are problematic and affect you. Instead of: “You’re always so rude.” Try: “When you interrupt me during meetings, it makes me feel like my input isn’t valued.” By separating the person from the behaviour, you give them the opportunity to acknowledge the impact without becoming defensive.

Be direct and specific

Vague complaints won’t lead to change. If you want someone to understand why their behaviour is unacceptable, be specific about what happened and how it made you feel. The clearer you are, the easier it is for them to understand what they need to adjust. Avoid broad generalisations like “You never listen.” Instead, use specific examples such as, “Last week when I was speaking, you interrupted before I finished. It felt like you didn’t hear what I was trying to say.” This just lands differently.

Use “I” statements

Using “I” statements helps frame the conversation around your perspective and feelings. This technique avoids sounding accusatory, which often leads to defensiveness and instead promotes open dialogue. It also encourages ownership of your emotions and reactions without placing all the blame on the other person. For example, “I felt overlooked when you didn’t acknowledge my contributions in the project meeting,” is more effective than, “You never appreciate anything I do.”

Remain calm and composed

When addressing unacceptable behaviour, emotions can run high, but maintaining a calm and composed demeanour is essential. Your tone can either de-escalate or escalate the situation. If you come across as angry or accusatory, the other person is more likely to shut down or become defensive. If necessary, take some time away from the situation to collect your thoughts and breathe before speaking. A calm approach helps keep the focus on resolving the issue, rather than letting it spiral into an argument, which is ultimately what you want to avoid.

Give space for reflection and response

It’s important to allow the other person time to reflect and respond. Effective communication is a two-way street, and listening to their side can provide insight or context you might not even have considered. Ask questions like, “How do you feel about what I’ve shared?” to invite an open discussion. However, this doesn’t mean you should tolerate excuses or dismissive behaviour. Stand firm on your boundaries while being open to understanding their perspective.

Set clear boundaries for the future

Once the behaviour has been addressed, clearly outline what you expect moving forward. Setting boundaries is not about controlling someone else’s behaviour, but about making your expectations and limits known. For example, you might say, “In the future, I’d appreciate it if you’d wait until I finish speaking before sharing your thoughts,” or “I need to feel respected in our conversations, so it’s important we speak to each other without raising our voices.” This ensures that both parties understand just what is acceptable and what isn’t, reducing the chances of the behaviour repeating.

Be prepared for different reactions

You might think this is obvious but not everyone will respond positively when confronted. Some people might become defensive, deny their behaviour, or even push back. Be prepared for various reactions but stay grounded in your truth. If the other person reacts negatively, calmly reaffirm your stance, but don’t engage in an argument. If the situation accelerates, it may be necessary to remove yourself temporarily from the conversation and revisit it when emotions have settled.

Know when to walk away

While it’s important to address unacceptable behaviour, it’s equally important to know when to disengage, especially if the other person is unwilling to change or if the behaviour continues. You are not obligated to stay in situations that compromise your well-being or self-respect – no matter who it is or what the relationship looks like. If the behaviour persists despite setting boundaries and addressing it multiple times, consider whether it’s time to distance yourself or seek outside help, especially in situations that involve a power imbalance, like at work.

It’s not easy. Addressing unacceptable behaviour is never easy, but it’s a crucial skill for maintaining healthy relationships and self-respect. When done with clarity, empathy, and confidence, you not only protect your own boundaries but also foster a culture of accountability and respect in your personal and professional life. It’s about communicating your needs and setting standards for how you want to be treated and staying true to the belief that you deserve better.

Niamh Ennis is a leading Transformation Coach and Business Mentor who through her private practice, programmes, workshops, and podcast supports women to achieve clarity, build confidence, and master the strategies needed to elevate in life and business.  She’s the Lead Coach in The IMAGE Business Club. Find out more about Niamh’s new business offering The Change Makers Mastermind here. Find her on Instagram @1niamhennis.