How to stop seeking validation from others

From the time we can walk and talk, we seek external validation to prove that we are doing right by those around us. We learn very quickly from our caregivers, parents, siblings, and teachers that if we do what they want, what they ask of us; that we will get their approval. This becomes increasingly important to us.

The reverse is also true, however, and an equally valid teacher. If we refuse to do what they ask, they will withdraw their approval and we’ll be left dealing with the negative fallout. Some describe it as that time when you discover the true meaning of right and wrong, which of course is true, yet much of this depends on who your teacher is and whether they truly have your best interests at heart.

As babies we want to be fed, loved, and protected. This desire never fully goes away, although how it presents itself may vary as we move through life. When we become teenagers, we crave the approval of our peers, as workers we embrace the validation of our colleagues and managers, and as family members, we simply yearn to feel like we belong. In each part of our lives, we long for that connection and support that demonstrates to us that we fit in somewhere. This is all extremely natural. As humans it is how we are built and reveals to us what we need to do in order to live harmoniously alongside others.

The challenges

Yet it also contains within it the potential of becoming a more contentious issue when we find ourselves changing who we are in exchange for validation. Those times when we acknowledge that we’re preempting how our words and actions land for fear of being judged or criticised by others.

More challenges present themselves, when we rely entirely on external validation as a measure of deciding if we have achieved acceptable levels of personal success rather than listening to our internal voice to determine just how we are doing.

Each time you succumb to prioritising the opinions of others, you’re moving yourself further down your own priority list. When you say yes to them, you are, in reality, saying no to yourself!

Are you dimming to fit in?

Have you considered that when you depend on external validation it can stop you from doing many things? You may alter or dilute your beliefs or reactions based on how you imagine others will feel about them rather than basing it on the truth of what you feel. You lose your voice in the process and it prevents you from showing up in a way that feels true to who you really are. You deny yourself your truth because it feels safer and easier.

Of course none of this has been helped by the increased presence of social media in our lives. We know enough to recognise the instant high we experience if we see a ‘like’ or favourable review on something we’ve posted and equally a slight dip in our confidence if the same post is met with tumbleweed. And while we might believe that seeking approval at times feels necessary, we should always check in with ourselves to determine if, in fact, it is important. It rarely is.

Overcoming people-pleasing ways

As a self-declared perfectionist, not to mention a creative, seeking approval and validation has been a constant challenge in my own life. I’ve really had to work on my own confidence issues and yet ironically the results only started to appear in recent years, once I chose to go within and meaningfully connect with just what it is I want to do; rather than give in to the need to meet the expectations of others. That was for me the ultimate game changer.

It’s all too easy to dismiss how I was showing up, by using labels such as ‘people-pleaser’ or it being ‘just my nature’ – yet when I decided to get real clarity on what it was that I wanted from my life; from my relationships, my career, my living environment and my friendships, I discovered that acquiring the approval of others for my choices simply did not matter so much and that felt truly liberating.

Determining your values

To achieve this, I began by doing the necessary work on my values. I needed to fully understand what my values were which meant being able to answer the question “what matters most to me right now?”. Recognising that our values are constantly changing, I had to identify what were they currently. I wasn’t all that surprised when it turned out that what I was choosing to do with my life on the outside was very much out of line with who I was internally and had left me feeling out of sorts and definitely out of alignment.

Take back your power

The truth of it is this, if you give too much weight to the opinions of others you will find yourself trapped in a never-ending cycle of seeking their validation. In so doing, you’re giving them the power to determine what your next steps might be rather than choosing your own.

Belief in yourself is infinitely more important than agonising over what others think of you. You soon realise that you don’t need anyone else to prove your worth to you and you discover that you’ll never gain anyone’s approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in who you are, respect will follow and that’s a far more worthy reaction to be on the receiving end of.

Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu sums up the futility of searching for validation in his words, “because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”

Photography by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash.

Niamh Ennis is a leading Change & Transformation Coach who through her private practice, workshops, programmes, and podcast has helped thousands of women get greater clarity and embrace change in their lives. She’s an accredited Personal, Leadership & Executive Coach and the Lead Coach in the IMAGE Business Club. Click here to get your  free 7 Steps to Change guide. niamhennis.com, @1niamhennis.