Mark Mehigan: ‘At what point is cheating, ‘cheating’?’

Q. Hi Mark. I have found myself in a bit of bother and would like to hear your perspective. I think I want to break up with my partner but don’t know how to. I’m not sure if I am even making the right decision. We’ve been together for nearly two years and he does well for himself. He’s handsome and considerate. On paper, he’s everything I ever wanted. I’ve got a good relationship with his family and I’m closer to his mam than my own. I just find our life very boring. It’s like he has no sense of humour. I don’t have fun with him. To make it more complicated, there’s someone in work I’ve started chatting to recently. First off it was on office nights out but now it’s crept into WhatsApp and flirty/dirty messages too. I told him that I have a fella and he said he’d respect that. But we’re both enjoying the back and forth. At what point does cheating become cheating? Has the ship sailed on my current relationship or am I just bored? – Sarah

In 2002, the Turkish national football team got through to the semi-finals of the FIFA World Cup. They played against Brazil in Santana, Japan. There were almost 67,000 people in attendance. If half of those fans were Turkish, that means there were probably about 33,500 football-crazy Turks there. The majority of them would have been in jerseys, scarves, holding banners etc. Bearing all of that in mind, I think it’s safe to say that there were still less red flags on display that day in the stadium than in the question you’ve just asked. This is almost like a social gathering of red flags, or an AGM. If red flags had a ploughing championships or an Electric Picnic – this would be it. I’m being facetious of course, but let’s get into it.

Now let me be very clear. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to leave a relationship after two years. It won’t be easy and there might be a couple of exit wounds, but that’s okay. You don’t have to stay in a relationship just because it was once something that made you happy. We don’t need to ‘honour’ the desires of our former selves by persisting with a career, country or relationship that used to be something we dreamt of. And at the end of the day, you don’t owe this person anything either. (Other than your honesty, but we will get to that). Ultimately, I think your situation is less of a dilemma about having your cake and eating it too but more of a sign to get out of the bakery altogether. Don’t let your breath fog up the glass any longer by pursuing fantasies with work colleagues. Ignore the pleasant smells and walk out into the fresh air to get a grip on what’s really going on here.

“At what point is cheating, ‘cheating’?”

I think anybody asking this question already knows the answer. It’s akin to asking at what point is raining, ‘raining’? If you’re putting on the anorak and taking the umbrella out from under the stairs, it wouldn’t require Nostradamus levels of clairvoyance to assume there may be a bit of precipitation on the way. In a similar vein, if you’re in a monogamous relationship with no previously discussed arrangement when it comes to the inclusion of third parties but you’re also flirting with a work colleague in person, on the phone and inside the office, well it’s probably more than a baby step beyond the point of acceptable platonic interaction. Now, I am not here to evaluate your integrity – I am so saturated with flaws myself that if you nipped me I would leak mistakes, but if you’re leaving risqué emojis at the end of texts whilst still professing to be loyal to your current partner, it might be hard to rewrap those afternoon flirtations, slap on a return label and get a full refund of your guilt. To put it simply – if you’re asking, you’re losing. Furthermore, I can’t tell you what constitutes cheating because much like guilt or happiness, its meaning is totally unique to each relationship. There is no singular definition of infidelity, aside from the obvious, carnal characterisation and even then, swinging is on the rise lately.

My intention with my response is not to come across as judgmental but in order for this column to be productive – and to help erode those prison bars of rumination we all easily get lost behind – so I have to be somewhat curt and indelicate. You see, I am guilty of adopting the whack-a-mole approach of advice-seeking in my own life, where I call as many friends or family members as necessary until I hear something that vaguely resembles my already hard-fastened belief and then I champion them as excellent possessors of wisdom and head off into the night as ignorant and unchanged as I was before.

With that in mind, let’s continue with your questions.

“Has the ship sailed on my current relationship?”

I’m not usually a betting man and have very limited nautical experience, but I would wager that the ship has not only sailed but has gone so far out to sea that it lost sight of shore months ago. The sailors have all died of scurvy and the wreckage is lost beneath the waves with its remnants scattered across the seabed. All that remains now is a three-inch memorial plaque nailed to a neglected park bench in the harbour, commemorating the lost souls on board. In other words, I would say that your relationship in its current state would need to dramatically change if you want it to work. Most importantly – did you fall in love with him or the boxes that he ticked? There is a massive difference between seeking a serious relationship and seeking a relationship with someone serious. Please remember that. The first thing that you mentioned about your current partner is that he does well for himself. Sparks require flint and for some, that flint is financial security. But I would always be wary of any flame that needs money in order to burn; because if that fire goes out, then what are you left with?

My advice would be to remove yourself from both situations. The horny work eejit is probably just a horny work eejit and not to be taken seriously. I would focus more on how you’ve ended up in a relationship where the idea of horny work-eejits is attractive. Because we live in a world of many horny eejits – in work or otherwise. Every day we are surrounded by sexual opportunity. But I believe we only feel it if we’re looking for it. They say it’s easier to get a job when you have a job. And you could probably argue the same when it comes to relationships. But that is not a rule worth following. l would address the way you feel about your current partner before it’s too late. Otherwise, the regret about these flirty office exchanges will start to crawl towards you like a train of consequences. And you will find yourself lying there, tied to the tracks by your mistakes, incapable of breaking free. You don’t need anybody’s permission to break up with your boyfriend. But I think it could be worth doing before real damage is inflicted.

It’s okay to not want what other people want. It’s also okay to not want what you thought you wanted. People change, thoughts change and feelings change. Love changes. Life is a river, as they say. You’re entitled to find the flow that suits you the most, now. Ultimately, you’re the only person who has to live between your ears. When the lights go out at night and the phone eventually gets placed in the charger by the bed – or in my case, slips between my hands and falls on the floor – it’s only you that will be left with the thoughts and decisions that form how you will feel the following day. People will judge you regardless of what you do. I’ve made some good decisions in my life and many bad ones. I’ve probably received an equal amount of praise and ridicule for both. In short – do what feels right for you but try not to cause enormous undue agony to those you once loved at the same time.

I wish you well.

Are you looking for love? Are you sick of the apps? Do you need some advice about love and dating? If you have a question for Mark, send it in to info@image.ie with the subject “Agony Uncle”, or DM @image.ie for advice straight from the Taoiseach of Grá himself.