Mark Mehigan: ‘How do I tell my partner I want less time with the in-laws?’

Q.Hello Mark. Not exactly a matchmaking request but I thought I would ask you anyhow. My partner is very close with his family but I want more alone time with the two of us — how do I say something to him without making it look like I don’t like them? They’re always turning up unannounced at our house and he likes us to eat in his folk’s house two or three times a week. If I stay at home, either my MIL or one of his siblings will then send me a sarcastic message about why I didn’t come over. It’s wearing me down. They make me out to be a possessive maniac for wanting a night with my husband to myself. – Clodagh

Clodagh, I empathise with you enormously. To some people, the noise of the doorbell announcing an unexpected visitor is the sound of joy, to others it’s a form of tinnitus. Without revealing which side of the curtains I hide behind, I think it’s worth delving into your predicament a little more thoroughly. From what you’ve written, my internal privacy siren is going off louder than any Ring Doorbell phone notification. This definitely requires addressing.

Firstly, boundaries are merely a branch on the tree of all relationships which must be rooted in clear communication lest they be ripped out of the earth and crush the possibility of a future together. Without plain and direct conversations, there is just no point. You’re going to have to chat to your husband about what’s happening. In Ireland, avoidance could be our national sport. We punch well above our weight when it comes to dodging eye contact and expressing ourselves assertively. I do believe it’s generational though and there is a certain onus on us to interfere with our own bloodline and re-write the emotional instruction booklets. But before I lose you with borderline incoherent pseudo-psychological slop, I will say this; discovering that you are incompatible with your in-laws is about as groundbreaking as thinking Ryanair scratch cards are rigged or that Irish comedians like making Instagram reels about the weather. Fret not though, you are not alone. The behaviour of your in-laws doesn’t bear any relation to a normal way of treating an adult. It’s not like you’re cancelling Christmas dinner to feed your Furby or walk your Tamagotchi. (Not a euphemism). You are simply not that enthused about spending three out of seven days a week sitting around a chicken Kiev and making small talk with the small-minded siblings of your spouse. Good luck! To some people, functioning as an autonomous adult without participating in their bizarre, complex and usually f***ed up intra-family social structures is considered a rogue act of rebellion. Ignore them, they are insane. As the often accurate but sweepingly vague mental health memes will tell you on Instagram; you do you.

If passive aggression is your in-laws’ native tongue, perhaps you could try talking to them in their own language. If I was still drinking, I would say that the next time you receive a condescending text from your SIL to simply reply with “Sorry Tina, my mother actually changed my nappies on Tuesday so I decided to make my own rusks for dinner this evening” or perhaps something less ambiguous like, “Hey Tina… f*** off”. Naturally, you should ignore both of these suggestions. I spent a decade thinking that I was a martyr of the truth for regularly spitting out shortsighted emails and texts to friends and colleagues when I was upset or angry, under the illusion that my honesty was somehow more virtuous than politely beating around the bush. I was very wrong. The bush must be beaten around at all costs. (Again, not a euphemism). It is possible to be direct and respectful at the same time.

The word ‘boundaries’ gets used a lot these days as a term but is seldom implemented. It’s very difficult to say to somebody, “I love you, but I would like to see less of you.” But here’s the good news; you don’t need to. Your dilemma is that you love your husband and want to spend more time with him. Not his family. That is a fantastic position to be in and not the suffocating quagmire it may often feel like due to their overbearing ways. A phrase I heard recently that might be relevant; “Not my circus, not my monkeys”. The only person you have a responsibility towards is your husband. You don’t need to slurp from the fountain of madness that is trying to reason with these ridiculous sisters or their mother. Let them off. It’s unlikely that anything you do or say would make a scintilla of difference anyway. I think a straightforward chat with your partner about wanting more time with him – rather than less time with his family – is the way forward. It’s okay to want more downtime together. Refusing a dinner invite doesn’t require a well-thought-out excuse or a substitute event in the diary. As my therapist keeps reminding me, “no, I can’t tonight” is a full sentence. Well, actually she says “no” is a full sentence but I’m not quite there yet when it comes to turning down invitations to social gatherings. I’ll come back to you after a few more sessions.

Also, it is ultimately worth remembering this. Just because you’ve married someone and inherited these intrusive home birds as your in-laws doesn’t mean you need to join the flock. Talk to your husband. Tell him about the text messages. The rabbit hole of familial resentments is bottomless and one that you don’t want to fall down unaccompanied. But be careful, for your own sake and sanity. Lunatics are always going to loon and this is the type of stuff they thrive on. Any opportunity to get knee-deep in domestic drama and they will leap at it, with the vigour of a freshwater Alaskan salmon jumping upstream during the migration. Try to be understanding when speaking to your husband, especially if mentioning the frequency of parental visits. There will come a time when the doorbell doesn’t ring and their footsteps on the gravel will be gone. Perhaps that forms part of his decision-making. Either way, once a finger is perceived to be pointed, the defensive walls will rise up and you’ll struggle to hear each other whilst shouting over them. Go easy. But still, go for it. You’ve got this.

Are you looking for love? Are you sick of the apps? Do you need some advice about love and dating? If you have a question for Mark, send it in to info@image.ie with the subject “Agony Uncle”, or DM @image.ie for advice straight from the Taoiseach of Grá himself.