Think dating in rural Ireland can be a bit of fun? You couldn't be more wrong. Here Édaein O' Connell explains why there is nothing 'casual' about dating down the county.
My most recent brainwave on the state of Irish dating came as my friend Dee sipped a glass of wine in the heat of the rare Irish sun. She was recalling a recent date with a ‘lovely’ boy from Co. Tipperary. They met in Limerick city, midway between his home and her native county of Kerry. “He couldn’t have been nicer,” she explained. The group ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’ and nodded at each other and we celebrated this new update in her love life. I think some of the girls had already married her off and were planning their next satin midi dress purchase when suddenly, she dropped quite a few diabolical “buts”.
“But,” she went on. “I only want something casual. We had so much fun and it was amazing but I’m leaving the country in a few months. I want to be unserious but these boys are very, very serious.”
The idea that women in their late twenties and early thirties would want something casual may seem like an alien idea. With our ticking time bomb biological clocks about to explode, wanting to settle and find a long-term partner is something females should have on their list of goals from the age of 25. However, this notion isn’t all-encompassing. All women can’t be painted with the same love brush. I loathe the term ‘a bit of fun’ but that’s what some of us are exclusively on the hunt for. It’s something to make the long evenings more exciting and it’s always the hottest topic of conversation at a girls’ dinner.
You would think in a world where millennial men can act like teenage boys until the age of 50 that finding a casual fling would be easy, but outside of The Pale, this isn’t necessarily true. Dee found this out the hard way.
Dating differences
While she was happy to spark a summer fling, the lovely boy was not. The countdown timer on her stay in Ireland was about to stop and he didn’t want to fall off the precipice of could-be love when the clock finally ran out. Fine, you can argue that he was saving himself from heartbreak but in Dublin, this ending would have never materialised. Dee and the boy would probably be booked into a hotel right now, planning to get drinks on Drury Street and enjoying the last heady days of a city centre summer.
“There’s nothing casual about dating down the country,” I eventually told her. “There’s nothing short-term when you drive off an exit on the M7.”
The reality is this; romancing in rural Ireland is completely disparate to dating in the city. The two affairs are poles apart. One is high stakes, the other, not so much. One is a Love Island escapade where you can graft with whomever you like and have your head turned every minute. It’s non-committal from the get-go. Then at the end of it, you’ll still walk away with a brand deal and money in your bank. The other is a Hunger Games mission. It’s life or death. The procreation of your village depends on romantic success. The world (well, your local GAA club, anyway) is watching closely because you hold the key to a viable future and better than average junior B football team.
To be casual in the country is to quite literally commit the hottest years of your life to a series of disappointments.
The crux of this difference comes down to many things, but the main instigator is population. The 2022 census showed that there is a population of over 1.5 million people residing in Co. Dublin. The city centre itself has a breeding ground of over 500,000. My hometown has a population of almost 4,800. The choice in rural Ireland is small. There are tight windows of opportunity. Oftentimes, if you don’t snag the love of your life as a teenager, you’ll have to broaden your horizons as an adult.
To be casual in the country is to quite literally commit the hottest years of your life to a series of disappointments. You are saying yes to a pattern of flings which go from searingly hot to frigid within moments of you uttering the sentence: “I’m not looking for anything serious.”
In Dublin, those six words are like winning the lottery for any heterosexual male, but traverse to any town or village on this island and it will be a death wish. Many more friends have experienced casual fling frustration like Dee, and so have I. Any attempt to try and progress a dalliance into the informal territory is met with either (a) shock and horror that I don’t want to apply for planning permission for a house immediately and (b) shock and horror that I don’t want them to meet my parents tomorrow.
Even when on the hunt for a serious relationship, friends who date in the country say the pressure can be too much. “It’s a lot,” my friend Katie tells me. “Every date I go on holds so much weight. Could he be the one? Is this it? The girls ask those exact questions the minute I get home. In a city, while those thoughts are at the back of your head, there’s a lighter feel to it. Ok, this man isn’t for you but there are plenty more fish in the sea.”
When you speak to those who are currently loved-up to the gills, they will all say the same thing; they wish they hadn’t taken dating so seriously. They will tell you that while it can be distressing (and often traumatic), your person will come and when they do, you’ll wonder why you fussed so much.
While this is easy for someone with a ring on their left hand to say, there’s truth in their wisdom. ‘The’ person will eventually materialise. Making every affair into something serious isn’t going to induce the universe into giving birth to that gift any earlier. So until then, if you want, keep it light and fun.
And to my fellow country people, please, for the love of god, try and keep it casual every once in a while.
Feature image via @katebosworth
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