How to leave the house with two kids under two: A 50-step guide

Motherhood is a truly beautiful thing – with chaos around the edges.  It’s about pretending we have our stuff together while storing endless crumby snacks in our handbags.

In my case, just as I was getting the hang of having a tiny human stuck to me 24/7 – we made the decision to have another one because… hormones.

Of course, their velvety little feet and gummy smiles are beyond worth it, but nobody prepares you for the expedition it takes to leave the house with two in tow.

So pull up your big-girl maternity pants – here’s our handy and not-at-all-complicated guide to getting up and out for the weekend with your tiny brood.

1. Psyche yourself up (a spoon of Nutella straight from the jar helps).
2. Look up the hourly weather forecast.
3. Fall down the rabbit hole of Instagram for a bit while asking yourself why you are looking at someone else looking into the mirror admiring their own (white Isabel Marant cowboy) boots.
4. Look them up online and add them to cart — which has 56 (unbought) items.
5. Gaze lovingly at your sleeping newborn and try to calculate backwards the times of his next nap and feed.
6. Realise you did pass maths for your Leaving Cert and that words are your thing.
7. Ask your toddler when the baby is due to have his next nap while she ignores you and continues to unwrap your entire box of tampons.
8. Shout-ask the husband (who has, inexplicably, been in the toilet for half an hour).
9. Find a calculator and tell him that his estimate is wrong and all men are STUPID.
10. Remember that you are hormonal and that husband is a wonderful person and, actually, he was right, you carry the five.
11. Have a shower in which you hear your baby crying constantly (they are not), while your toddler pats your belly and shouts ‘squishy mummy’ on repeat.
12. Paste under-eye concealer everywhere on your face. Pat to dry.
13. Baby’s awake!
14. Spend 10 minutes mesmerised by his little face and happy smiles.
15. Stroke his baby rolls and vow to keep him safe forever.
16. Yell at husband for not helping.
17. Remove toddler from nail varnish.
18. Pack a bag with the following: Snacks for you, pads (of all shapes and sizes), changing mat, spit cloths, change of clothes (for you), change of clothes (for baby), change of clothes for toddler, bottles, teething ring, sterilising tablets (just in case), hand sanitizer, toys, phone, more snacks, charger, Peppa pig phone, nappy bags, another change of clothes (just in case), baby book, deodorant, hairbrush, that concealer, wellies, baby’s rainjacket, toddler’s rainjacket, baby’s summer hat, toddler’s summer hat, mosquito repellent, sun cream, wipes x 3 packets, box of nappies, Vaseline, keys.
19. Attempt to lift bag (and fail).
20. Remove book and wellies.
21. Feed his royal cuteness.
22. Burp his royal cuteness.
23. Change your outfit again because milky puke down your back is not the greatest look in the world.
24. Make triangle-shaped lunch for the toddler.
25. Remake lunch in squares.
26. Swap toddler’s milk from blue cup to yellow cup and back again.
27. Pop into your bedroom to scream into your pillow.
28. Try to solve the mystery of the missing husband.
29. Take 30 seconds to eat your fifth slice of toast of the day.
30. Stroke coffee cup lovingly — coffee makes everything better. Coffee doesn’t let you down.
31. Snuggle baby into his warmest star suit and woolly hat.
32. Realise it is 18 degrees outside.
33. Ring your mum to ask her if snowsuits are advisable in this weather (just in case).
34. Thank her for the meal she dropped in the night before and yes, you are taking your vitamins.
35. Wipe three bums.
36. Bundle your leaky self into your baggiest black top while cursing your swollen uterus.
37. Sniff two bums.
38. Hand one tiny stinkbot to husband and ignore questions about his socks.
39. Heave the pram into the boot of your car.
40. Fetch the wellies and throw them into the boot.
41. Hesitate, then bung in the star suit, the bouncy chair, picnic basket and cushions.
42. Finally, everyone is in, hooray! Your Insta feed is going to look amazing.
43. Drive at exactly 15 kilometres per hour because… precious cargo!
44. Spend 25 minutes unpacking the car, 35 minutes taking cute pictures of the kids in the park in various positions and 3 minutes wolfing down a sausage roll. All hell inevitably breaks loose – the toddler hands you a poo, your breasts start projectile leaking, and it starts lashing rain.
45. Spend 25 minutes repacking the car, sweating profusely, despite the rain. Trying to remain JOLLY.
46. Clamour into the back of the car and feed baby while toddler howls in your ear because you won’t let him drive the car home.
47. Your babies fall fast asleep just as you pull into the driveway.
48. Sit in car, holding hands with lovely hubby and whisper about what amazing children you make together.
49. Cry a little.
50. Feel overwhelmingly lucky to call this crazy little bunch your own.

This article was originally published in January 2022.