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This month I’ve sent one million emails and changed one million nappies. I’ve interviewed incredible people; I’ve rocked crying babies to sleep in my arms. I’ve stepped on stage in front of crowds; I’ve been screamed at for cutting bananas ‘wrong’. I’ve had my face painted, my nails extended and my hair curled. I’ve caught sick with my bare hands. I’ve administered eye drops, antihistamine, Calpol and Nurofen suppositories (very carefully with those extended nails!). I’ve edited, commissioned, written, been photographed, videoed, published and podcasted. I’ve juggled Pampers with as much frequency as pitches. I have been many things, to many people.
So yes, I am exhausted. Some days I am running on adrenaline and coffee alone and I can’t believe I’m still functioning, as I pick sick out of my sleep-deprived hair and run to MC an event.
But I’m not alone. I am a mother, working outside the home. This is what we do. If you know a mum with young kids and a career, this is likely a version of her reality too. There are some days that I marvel at how capable I have become. There are more frequent days when all I want to do is lie in bed, cry and eat pizza.
Depleted mother syndrome (DMS) is the new catchphrase making the rounds. It’s another way to define the impossible situation the modern mother who works outside the home finds herself in. I’ll be adding it to the list of phrases that include the mental load, invisible labour, kin keeping, etc. etc. etc. This one is basically a way to describe motherhood burnout. It is officially defined as occurring when demands on the mother increase, and her resources decrease. Hello, Easter holidays.
For us, the Easter holidays mean paying for a camp that opens at 9.30am and finishes at 2.30pm. It costs the equivalent of a BIG shop and it’s a one-hour round trip from home (cut to me taking Zoom meetings in camp car parks, in order to work to pay for the camp, that allows me to work).
The second week of the holidays will involve a patchwork of grandparents’ help, annual leave and a whole lot of Netflix Kids. Oh, and don’t forget the large dollop of mum guilt on the side.
The tips across the web to help you avoid Depleted Mother Syndrome include 1) Learn to say ‘no’, 2) Ask for help 3) and prioritise self-care. Right. Well, all I seem to do is ask for help and say no. So why do I still feel ‘depleted’?
I have aches and pains, I am constantly tired, and I don’t feel great. What about prioritising self-care, I hear you say. Well, excuse me while I scream into a cushion. Research last year showed that 60% of parents don’t routinely do anything to relax and recharge. My experience of being a parent of young kids while working outside the home is that there is no room for anything other than survival.
Let’s paint a picture. After the morning madness; working all day; and then looking after the lads all evening, the only space left for me is between 8.45 and 9.45pm (as long as there aren’t emails to get back to) and I use that time to comfort myself with quick hit pleasures like pizza, wine and Netflix. At 10pm, I will fall into bed, and usually, that will be followed by disrupted sleep, and sometimes a night on the floor in a child’s room.
The idea of balance and self-care is comical. And when you throw school holidays into the mix, well as I said, it’s about survival.
So if you know a mum who has young kids this Easter break – perhaps think about dropping her over a lasagne, or a bottle of wine. Believe me, she deserves it.
Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash