What even is post-breakup social media etiquette?

I have a terrible habit of wandering down a street and unabashedly looking right into the homes I pass along the way. More often than not, the room will be empty—because who doesn’t close their curtains to assuage people like me gawking in once night falls?—but on rare occasions there’ll be families watching television together, couples cooking in the kitchen, or someone pottering about, making tea or blowing out a candle before bed.

An extremely brief glimpse (it’s not like I stop my stride and stare in, I’m not that weird) into the lives of others, it’s a snapshot of the mundane playing out in the lives of some strangers. Far from spectacular, these moments really don’t require a second thought, but it’s nice to know that these people are there, reading their books or folding their laundry.

Well, here comes a shocking metaphor that absolutely no one has ever thought of before: the phones in our back pockets are just like those windows I walk past, the quick scroll of my thumb the same pace as my saunter down the street. For the most part, it’s just nice to know that the people on my social media are there, that they’re keeping well, and that there’s some universality to the human experience.

Of course, the pitfall of social media is that thanks to the algorithm, marketing, and our inexplicable leaning towards certain aesthetics, we get sucked into these broadcasted lives, and we develop attachments. With our interest irrevocably piqued, we find ourselves filling in gaps based on our own idea of their realities, and if there’s a pause or alteration in regular scheduling, we stroke our chins and wonder what’s changed.

This runs the whole gamut of internet users, from someone we went to school with to the celebrity power couple of the moment. I, personally, have never had an A-list relationship that I care too much about, perhaps because I just don’t have the levels of passion required to stan.

Friends have spoken of their own personal heartache felt when Stormzy and Maya Jama split, and the elation experienced at their speculated reunion. Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez (can we all please move on), Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt (see previous), Bruce Willis and Demi Moore — fans have heralded countless celebrity breakups as the one that made them give up on love.

The most recent of which came in the form of Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner. After their four year marriage, breakup rumours started when the pair were spotted without their wedding rings. This was then amped up when Joe actually filed for divorce, stating that the marriage is “irretrievably broken.” Then, because they’re famous and have to do such things, they posted a joint statement confirming their divorce, urging their followers to quit it with the “speculated narratives”. Fair enough.

Before the official statement was released, Sophie was pictured on a night out on the town with Taylor Swift. If you’re lucky enough to not be chronically online, you may not understand the significance of this but going out on a girls night out, or better yet, a one-on-one dinner with Ms Swift, basically means that you’re essentially hard launching your singlehood. I’m sorry if this is melting your brain, I am simply a mouthpiece for the consensus of the internet.

The other day, Turner posted a carousel of images from her year on Instagram with the caption, “2023 was the year of the girlies. 2024’s forecast is looking fairly consistent.” Obviously, people were sounding off in the comments. On one side, people were praising her post-breakup glow, and on the other, the trolls were telling her she should be tending to her children, as is the plight of motherhood.

The reaction got me thinking about post-breakup social media use, and the way that plays into our own voyeuristic consciousness. Again, it spans the whole spectrum of who you follow, from the random girl you met on a night out to literal Game of Thrones stars. It really makes no impact on us at all, whatsoever, but one night you’ll be scrolling through your Instagram feed, stop on a photo dump from someone you once knew, and think to yourself, ‘Hmm.’

You may look at their profile and realise they haven’t posted their significant other in months, and then berate yourself for being a slave to the internet. But then you might scroll back further and find that they’ve deleted any and all photos of said significant other, and if you’re feeling particularly sleuthy, you may even discover that they’ve unfollowed one another too. From this, it would be fair to conclude that not only have they broken up, it likely wasn’t under the best circumstances.

Don’t roll your eyes at me, I know we’ve all done it. And the beautiful fact of the matter is that once we’ve done what we consider to be an appropriate amount of research, we simply forget all about it and move on with our lives. Why? Because no one actually cares that much. So, if you’ve been there and are cringing at the feeling of being perceived, I can assure you that the level of scrutiny you’re under begins at a low humble of, ‘Aw!’, and ends with a crescendo of ‘Hm. Hope they’re okay.’

There’s also what I like to call breakup breadcrumbing, which is basically like a relationship soft launch doing the backstroke. The newly single Instagram user may go through a social media cleanse, falling silent on the story front before suddenly reemerging, posting random songs, sweet selfies, and thinly veiled quotes reshared from sassy accounts made wholly for this purpose.

All this being said, I feel that when I went through a breakup, my own social media use was innocuously non-existent (Gosh, I’m so mature and holier than thou, sorry for my piousness). I do imagine, in the narcissistic part of myself that imagines my stories and grid post invoke anything other than a knee-jerk (or perhaps thumb-jerk might well be the more accurate description) reaction, that people may have been very shocked when a new person started appearing here, there and yonder.

As with almost any online-relation topic I write about, I wind down to the same conclusion: dear God woman, go outside and touch some grass. When we catch a whiff of a breakup, it could potentially be our natural instinct that spurs us to theorise, speculate, and solve. It’s human nature to be curious, and to the sanctimonious among us, I will remind you that there is a very thin line between intrigue and nosiness, and I tread it very carefully, thankyouverymuch.

Featured image via @sophiet on Instagram