After decades chasing a golden glow, Suzie Coen is finally hanging up her tanning mitt.
Where to start? I’m naturally fair-skinned. Not Jessica Chastain porcelain perfection, more like see-through with bright blue veins. Like a jellyfish. As a result, I spent a long time thinking I have the wrong skin. I’ve grown up in the era of St. Tropez (the spray, not the place) and endless shots of biscuit-coloured limbs of women, so it’s rubbed off on me that beautiful equals bronzed. But I have never tanned properly. I’ll burn to a crisp before I develop any hint of a natural tan.
Fake tan is, of course, one of beauty’s greatest inventions, with the power to transform anyone (even me) into a glowy goddess with one swipe of a mitt. When I first started tanning up, it was still okay to suggest that bronzer-in-a-bottle makes you look slimmer and I bought into that massively. The idea that I could give the illusion of a thinner, more toned frame with just a quick application and a few touch-ups was delicious to me.
However, it’s fair to say it’s not always foolproof – it’s often an orange obstacle course of patchy skin, stained palms, rusty eyebrows and an Eau De McVities that follows you around like an uninvited afterthought. But name a fake tan and I have road-tested it, always hunting for that perfect formula which didn’t crumble in the inner elbow or fade to nothing after a few enthusiastic showers.
I put on my very first pair of paper pants and went pro in 2010. At the time I thought a spray tan was the most transformative beauty treatment going, as well as the one that offered the most bang for your buck. It also forces you to embrace being naked. Showing your nipples to a stranger – especially a stranger you are paying – is initially awkward, at best. I am not a beacon of body positivity in any changing room. In the moments before a spray tan, I see my body in its worst possible light. Why do my legs look grey? Have my breasts always been lopsided? Why does the part of me where hip meets thigh remind me of an ice cream cone melting on a pavement in 30 degree heat? And then, the curtain is parted, the gun toting technician loads her weapon, and looks me up and down as though I am a bookcase that she is upcycling. As I stand on the sticky feet pads, waiting for the freezing cold mist and her instructions, “lean your bum out”, “claw your hands” (IYKYK), I never don’t feel slightly ridiculous. So why did I keep returning?
And then, the curtain is parted, the gun toting technician loads her weapon, and looks me up and down as though I am a bookcase that she is upcycling.
Because if I followed the (tanning) rules, I believed I could be transformed from an off-white baguette to a J Lo bronze. I wanted to look good. And sometimes I did. Although my legs always came up less brown than the rest of me, a permanent and slightly perplexing irritation. But as much as I liked the results, I really wasn’t up for the fake tan lifestyle commitment. It’s a continuous cycle of exfoliating, marinating and flaking – and I was poor at the prep and even more shambolic at the upkeep.
Also, as much as I might have loved fake tan, I didn’t love the mess. Having to wash the sheets, think about what you can sit on, and avoiding lightly coloured clothes every time you apply fake tan is sort of enough to put you off it for good. It’s taken 20-something years and a lot of ruined white shirts, but I’ve finally learnt to go natural. I haven’t become a total tan-o-phobe though, as I still love a face glow-up. I’ve gone mad for the tanning drops. My current fav is the Tan-Luxe Serum, €48 and the best thing about it? No streaks and no tell-tale scent.
This article originally appeared in the Summer 2024 issue of IMAGE Magazine.
IMAGE Autumn 2024
The Autumn issue of IMAGE is here, and we’re looking forward to the cool, crisp days as a chance to reset our routine. From new-season looks to inspiring women to glean wisdom from, we’re embracing that “New Year” feeling. Plus: * Sleek style * Grandad dressing * In studio with Irish designer Cleo Prickett * Adaptive fashion * The Irish at fashion month * Inspiring the next generation * Rethinking end of life planning * Regenerative farming * Bobs are back * Navigating antidepressants * The future of Irish food * Group stays * and so much more…
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